Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
