I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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