That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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