I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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