If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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