He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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