Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
