p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
