Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
