I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
