when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
