Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
