I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
