I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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