do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am mentally ready for anal.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
