I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Randomize
