He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So vagazzling was a success
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
