my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
