why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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