Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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