Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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