have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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