shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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