his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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