I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
