True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
