after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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