He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
