My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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