WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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