If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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