I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
