Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
