if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
