I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
