I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
