im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
