at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
