so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
