I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
