Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
