Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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