Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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