I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
