A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
