dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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