you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
