College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
