I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
