why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
