I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
