I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
